A Long Overdue Sayonara?
Recently, I was speaking with an acquaintance who mentioned that she had "googled" me and stumbled upon "a weird website that had your name on it and showed some stuff you've been reading. Is that you?" she asked. I played dumb (often easy for me ;) but it did give me a moment of pause because I was made aware of how far removed I've become from this creature. Call it writers' block or lack of inspiration or even a greater need for privacy, all of which I think I have already attempted to convey in the few last sporadic posts.
It was really interesting for me to go through the process of starting this thing up in very high-minded fashion and watch myself go through various machinations to establish a public voice that ended up saying things that were far from my original intention, i.e. my originally stated intention. And even now I am being wishy washy because I began this wanting only to say thanks and goodbye, while issuing an invitation to view my new baby monster, Medicine: A Soul Journey Home, but I see I'm not quite ready to give up the ghost.
Well, perhaps there will be new things here from time to time but no more promises of prolific regularity. Nor do I believe that Medicine will necessarily hold the same interest for the same people. In fact, unlike Sleepwalkers' Glory, Medicine is meant to be a quiet little spot to which I can retreat and that hopefully won't get ahead of me like this one did.
I think the real roadblock here came for me when my very good friend Brandon died earlier this year, quite unexpectedly. Already my energies in this direction had waned, but I remember that I felt this great, great need to write something about him and to write for him and even for his family. But I couldn't do it, and that kind of stunned me. Even now I feel sort of bad about it. Believe me Brando, I have many words for and about you. But I guess that was the beginning of this private thing and of me finding that there are actually some things I have to keep to myself.
I come from a background in which family business is family business. Our secrets are our own. While there's something to be said for not airing one's dirty laundry in public, as I got older, I became stiffled by that because I associated keeping quiet with feeling shame, and I didn't feel there was anything about which I would ever need to be ashamed. I'm not a total exhibitionist, but I do believe there is some power in being able to state your truth and not really give a damn who is listening.
I even had a friend comment that I should watch the things I say in this forum in case I ever decide to run for office. First of all, don't worry: I will never venture to be your ruler. Second, that was just sad to me because that's very close to the heart of what is wrong with politics in this country. We long ago ceased to select from falliable humans with all their foibles, now choosing to vote for shiny machines with broken parts. If I were ever to run for office, I could only run by admiting the whole of who I am so that in representing you, you, or you, all would know who I am. And that, my friends, is nothing but sheer idealist liberal gibberish at it's best. What day and age am I living in, right?
Then I started recounting some of my more or less charming escapades, and while that was enormous fun, even that came back to bite me on the ass. I went out on a date with a woman about whom I knew little more than her name, but she had also "googled me,"--in search engine fashion, not as a euphemism--and knew more about my dating forays than I found was probably ideal, especially because there's no way to take back any sort of poetic or literary license once it's been used.
And then my 9-to-5 life, which I'd voluntarily changed up, became severely detrimental to my physical and emotional well being ... and then Brandon passed away, and I found I had nothing left with which to defend the notion of sleepwalking. The glory was gone.
So anyway, I think I've said all this before, a few months ago and then a few months before that. I don't know how to end it. Breaking up is so very hard to do. I so much perfer leaving the door open rather than securing it firmly shut. But I do, as I said, invite you, to my new little blogspot. No promises, but I think it shall be nice.
Adieu. For now. And thanks for all of it.