Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Midnight Confessions

have you ever felt like you're going to crack but you know you won't? it's all so tedious sometimes. i start to get worked up and then i remember that ultimately it doesn't really matter. but lately, i've been confused about that because i used to think things don't matter in the long run because you die and then it's over. but lately i've been coming around to the belief that this is only part of our existence, like an extension of our real selves. if that's the case, and we're really here to experience some kind of growth that wouldn't otherwise occur in the "main" part of ourselves, then everything does matter. in fact it matters more than if you think this is just an isolated instance of consciousness. isn't that a bitch.

really though, i don't know what i'm talking about. i'm tired, it's late, i feel crushed by the weight of this stupid work shit. but if that wasn't the crush it'd be something else. but at the same time i'm very happy. i've got this nice thing going w/ this girl, spring is here, i've been financially stable for a while now (although this current crisis is a real threat), and my spirituality has been taking off exponentially. but the dichtomy between the happiness and the crush is exactly what has thrown me into the knowingness that this consciousness, this self that is writing this, is, in some ways less real than my dream selves and even less so than the selves of which this self is unaware.

this mind can barely grasp these concepts without also holding steadfastly to a belief in gravity. gravity must exist because if it stops ... well, i just can't picture it.


Blogger digthemadlife said...

i completely understand the whole dichotomy. it's like there are all these bad things going on in my life, like the health of my father, school, and yet i'm very happy. and i've never really been happy. things aren't as complicated as i used to make them. and yet, it's like i'm always going to be caught in these two states. the weight of something heavy, yet i'll feel like i'm on a cloud.

i just tell myself that something like school, like failing a class won't matter. because it doesn't. it goes back to the whole notion of life being more than the sum of its parts. if failing a class is just one part, then there is more, so it doesn't matter.

for me i get stuck between the idea that buddhists' claim as the idea of no self. or the idea that i'm just a series of thoughts, and problems arise in linking them together, and yet they are together and something moves onto other lives. but i'd like to sometimes believe that things do matter, there is an identity which is me.

i don't know, but i understand what you're saying.z

6:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

she's dellusional! then again, usually the so-called derranged are more in touch with reality than the rest of the living dead. perhaps we grasp the dichotomies more than we realize and it's the shock of knowledge that leaves us bewildered...

--"the girl"

11:02 PM  
Blogger randolf-l said...


Read your stuff, think we might be sharing the same plane..
Anyhow, keep going.



1:53 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home