Monday, March 07, 2005

Cirrhosis - of the Eye

Forgive me. I know what's starting back at you is repulsive, but how do you think I felt after peeling the crust away from my eye this morning? I've been stricken with the chuckles over the discovery of something new to fear—PINK EYE. I know I've had it before—the last time probably being years ago—but it's never been as funny as now. Of all the things American adults are trained to fear—anthrax, mad cow's disease, tax time—Pink Eye isn't on the list. But it should be because this is some serious shit. I mean look at that picture. At least I won't have to worry about finding a seat on the BART today.

By the way, it's conjunctivitus not cirrhosis. The latter is a reference to a lyric by Dr. Octagon, the "incompetent, time-traveling, possibly extraterrestrial surgeon" alter-ego of rapper Kool Keith. I like to digress, but if I am to keep you informed and get to work on time, I must stay on point so here's the dilly:

Pink eye comes in four flavors:

excerpted from

Viral conjunctivitis usually affects only one eye and causes excessive eye watering and a light discharge.

Bacterial conjunctivitis affects both eyes and causes a heavy discharge, sometimes greenish.

Allergic conjunctivitis affects both eyes and causes itching and redness in the eyes and sometimes the nose, as well as excessive tearing.

Giant papillary conjunctivitis (GPC) usually affects both eyes and causes contact lens intolerance, itching, a heavy discharge, tearing and red bumps on the underside of the eyelids.

In other words, any way you slice it (if you haven't seen Un Chien Andalou, now's a good time), it ain't pretty. Right now probably only Jesus thinks I'm pretty (saw that on a t-shirt yesterday).

So whatdya do once you realize you've awoken a monstrosity? Well that depends:

Doctors don't normally prescribe medication for viral conjunctivitis because it usually clears up on its own within a few days. Antibiotic eyedrops will alleviate bacterial conjunctivitis, whereas antihistamine allergy pills or eyedrops will help control allergic conjunctivitis symptoms. For giant papillary conjunctivitis, your doctor may prescribe eyedrops to reduce inflammation and itching.

It's pretty contagious so one thing you might wanna do is stay away from me, although my allergies have been raging since the middle of last week, so I don't know if I've got the allergic kind or if I did a sloppy job of washing my hands after touching god knows what yesterday.

Now I remember that I forgot to buy toilet paper, which means the morning routine is totally thrown off. Welcome to Monday morning. I'd wink, but it feels like sandpaper.

Oh, but can I say that the weather yesterday was divine? Low 70s even in SF proper. The Ron and I did a little bike extravagenza around the Potrero / Bernal way and then Six and I basked at Dolores for a spell before strolling The Mission with our new friend Vicki, a delightful Greek nymph who is in the U.S. to study acting. It was truly a day to be outdoors. This week is supposed bring more of the same, which is grand. Who cares about disease and infection, when sweet sweet spring is right around the bend. Now if I could just get someone to play minature golf with me.

One more thing. I'm having some trouble with the comments functionality but three earlier posts sparked quite the debate at Once I get things resolved, I'm going to cross-post the comments generated there to here, but in the meantime, if you're interested check out the versions of What God Are You On, Part I; What God Are You On, Part II; and When "Gone Phishing" Spells Trouble as posted on that site (just click on the links). You're welcome to add your two cents there if you wish. I also got a lot of nice comments about my Doris post, which I hope to be able to add here, too.


Blogger gmc said...

I'll play miniature golf with you.

4:52 PM  
Blogger mpho said...

That's mighty kind of ya, G! Do I know you or is this kind of like blind date kind of golfing??

9:47 PM  
Blogger gmc said...

You know me. And while the idea dating over golf is certainly provocative, I'm not sure than I'm your type.

You did recently tell me that I had nice pants, though.

9:05 AM  
Blogger Zenslinger said...

She tells everyone they have nice pants. It's awful.

11:47 AM  
Blogger gmc said...

I already feel less special.

And if I fail to do a better job of proofreading my comments in the future, she may never again give me any sort of compliment.

The Horror!

12:19 PM  
Blogger mpho said...

Now hold on a minute. What kind of pants are we talkin' about?

7:30 PM  
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